Checking back in...to life.

When writing about my life, I tend to use some hyperbole: "this has been the craziest month EVER!" But when I think about the past month, I really can say that I've had the craziest series of events happen to me---ever. Including having a baby. Including the month when I graduated from college, got married and moved to another state. All of those crazy times in my life were full of the unknown, of worry, and even some fear here and there. But on the whole, they were full of relatively normal life events. THIS month, however, was anything but normal.

Elijah was near the end of some kind of viral illness and ear infection; he hadn't had a fever in a day but I kept him home from church that Sunday morning (January 24) just to be safe. And wow, am I glad I did. While I was feeding him an early lunch, I started to have an excruciating pain in my left side. It was all I could do to clean him up and put him in his bed for naptime. Then I laid down on my bed, literally writhing in pain. (I had never truly experienced what is meant by that phrase, but I was continually moving, unable to find any comfortable position.)

Long story short: I had a kidney stone. I went to the ER that afternoon, was sent home with pain medication, and by midnight was BACK in the ER with the absolute worst pain I have experienced in my life. So bad that it made me puke. (Sorry for being so graphic.) The next day, they went in and got the kidney stone.

Another long story short: because of the stone "backing things up," I had an infection. Or maybe, I had an infection before the kidney stone ever happened. We won't ever really know. But they sent me home on Tuesday with antibiotics that were no match for the infection (we found out much later).

The symptoms I was having for the next day and a half ranged from the worst headache I had ever had, my entire abdomen swollen and in pain, strange dreams/hallucinations while I was sleeping, breathing difficulty, and a heart rate that dropped to around 40. And waking up frequently at night, gasping for breath, with my heart pounding. It was terrifying, and that is an understatement.

I went to the nearby urgent care clinic, which sent me to the ER because they thought I had a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in my lung).

I didn't have a PE. But after two more days, dozens of blood draws, multiple CT scans, ultrasounds, cardiac workup, exams, and more doctors than I could count (it's never a good sign when a doctor says "I've never seen anything like this"), they realized that an inflamed gallbladder was pressing on a nerve that was affecting my heart rate and respiration. And the gallbladder, along with everything else in my abdomen, was inflamed because of the infection that had "leaked" out everywhere.

The official diagnosis: sepsis. I made the mistake of Googling it. Scary. A doctor told me that if I had waited one more day before going back to the hospital, I would have landed in the Intensive Care Unit. I could have died. Including my first hospitalization, I was in there for 6 days.

It was really scary when they were trying to figure out what was wrong, and it was almost worse when I found out how serious of a diagnosis I had. Mentally and emotionally, this has been a rough road. When I got out of the hospital, I had to gradually re-enter my life, and all of my regular routines and places that I go. But I don't feel like the same person that I was before. It's been a lot to process, and not something that I feel like anyone else really understands.

Recovery: my doctor told me it could take a month (maybe more) to feel like I'm completely back to normal. This has been MUCH harder than recovering from my C-section. (Except that there's no surgical incision, so I don't have that pain.) I'm totally exhausted at the end of every day, and I've been home for a couple of weeks. Sometimes I don't feel like my brain is working very well---like my head is cloudy. And I'm not even taking any medication. :) So my answer to everyone who asks is, yes, I'm feeling better, but no, I'm not totally back to normal and I have no idea when that'll happen.

I have bursts of energy, and I have to take advantage of them to play with Elijah, clean the house, work (I am SO far behind on every deadline I can think of), organize papers, etc. It's been overwhelming in this sense, too, to have to re-enter life after it basically stopped for a few weeks.

I can't say enough about how thankful for everyone who prayed, helped with Elijah, brought meals, and sent encouraging words my way. I am walking away from this situation with profound gratitude for my family, friends, and church community. There truly are no words.

So that's the story, and I guess I'm back, sort of!

Time moves too quickly

Recently, while visiting with a friend who has several school-age kids, I noticed how quiet her house was. I asked her where everybody went, and each of her kids had taken off to a different friend's house. Everything was completely still---very unusual, to say the least.

It struck me how few years it will be before Elijah is not going to want to hang out with his mom anymore---it's going to happen faster than I could imagine!

For the last few days, perhaps because he's been getting over a cold, or because our routine is slowly becoming normal again after the holidays, Elijah has been much more clingy and in need of Mama. Even when he's playing by himself, he just wants to know that I am there. Completely out of the blue today, he came over and smiled, gave me a big hug, and kissed me on both cheeks.

He is 17 months old, as of yesterday.

Or, he will be playing, and every now and then, will run in my direction, into my arms. I dread the day when that is no longer a favorite game of his! I'm sure he will never stop needing my presence or my hugs, but I am so thoroughly enjoying this current stage. (Of course, it occasionally is a little too much, like when I can't eat breakfast while Daddy watches him, because he knows I'm still there and starts calling out, "Mama? Mama?? MAMA!!")

So my friend's growing-up-too-fast kids were a reminder that I need to continue enjoying every moment. To be fully present whenever I possibly can. To put off the things that aren't urgent or important and BE with Elijah (put off housework: CHECK!). And my goal for this year is to figure out that balance a little better: how to put things off to spend time doing the important stuff, and still figure out how to get to the growing to-do piles in a way that doesn't stress me out.

Today we watched a friend get married, and as her dad gave a toast at the reception, it was as if Elijah's next twenty years flashed before me. This, God willing, will be me someday, standing by my child as he enters another new phase of life. It will be me, sending him off to start his own family.

Ok, rewind...back to today. Enjoy today, enjoy today, enjoy today!

My favorite memories from...today

Today was a really normal day. And it was awesome! I can't even explain what made it a good day. Just lots of little things that, when added together, made for a wonderful day. Such as:

After Elijah woke up, he wanted lots of hugs. We had a nice breakfast together, he ate everything I offered him (he's been going through a slightly picky phase, so this was nice), and he played nicely by himself in the high chair for long enough for me to eat and clean up.

My wonderful husband, who was sleeping in a little bit, then watched Elijah for an hour while I went back to sleep. An extra hour of sleep was an unexpected gift. While I was sleeping, he then prepared our dinner (in the crock pot). Another nice gift.

Elijah played happily until lunchtime, ate a decent amount of food, and was finding joy in using a spoon successfully. Such a simple thing, and he clearly thought it was cool that he's improving.

After lunch, I asked him if he wanted to play some more, or go straight to naptime. He laid his head down on my shoulder and held on tight....clearly wanting a nap. Unusual, but he has a little cold and played HARD today. :) We grabbed his teddy bear, and I got one very long hug before naptime. Ahh....then it was MY naptime. Again. Two naps in one day! Yay.

After finding that his laptop wasn't working (not nice), I got the nice surprise that he was coming home early since he couldn't get any work done.

Just before Daddy got home, Elijah was still in a cuddly mood, and then after that, initiated a game of "run into Mommy's arms." Over and over. He would run away, then turn, grin, I'd fling open my arms, and he'd run to me with a huge smile. I don't think it gets much better than that! This is one of my favorite things about being a mom.

After Daddy got home, we continued the game, this time with Elijah running back and forth between the two of us.

Then laughter ensued when I went to get a snack (I forgot to eat lunch): With Elijah on my lap, I started eating a tortilla. Elijah grabbed it, sneezed all over it, took one bite, and then put the tortilla down. I don't want it now! So I let him eat it. That's one way to steal mom's food, I guess!

Mmm, I want some!

How much of this can I get in my mouth at once?

Mom: "You're so cute."

Elijah: "I know."

We ended the day with a family trip to Target, a yummy dinner, and bedtime.

A totally normal day. Average. Didn't do much. And yet, it was great. Hope you have a wonderful day!

Being Called "Kiddo"

There's an older gentleman I know who always calls me "kiddo" when he sees me. "How ya doin', kiddo?" I think it's kind of funny. If it was anyone else, this might bother me. But it made me wonder, how old would I have to be for him to stop calling me that? Is it a compliment (he thinks I'm younger than I really am) or something he says to everybody (under age 60)? Now that I have a "kiddo" of my own, this is particularly funny.

Speaking of my kiddo, here's a recent photo. (This is right after his very traumatic first haircut!)

So long, warm weather. We will miss you.

I am coming to terms with the new, very fall-like weather we are having. I am looking outside at some very sad-looking trees and wet pavement. I love the fall color when it's warm and sunny, but somehow on a day like this, everything just looks dreary.

So, in light of my displeasure at the current scene outside, I am posting some pictures from our last trip to the park. It was a glorious, sunny day, and Elijah was exploring, and getting quite dirty in the process. For some reason, he also wanted to crawl down the sidewalk instead of the grass.

I'm hoping for just a few more beautiful days! I think he will have a blast once the leaves have fallen from the trees. He still tries to eat leaves, and once there are thousands of them to choose from, he just may not know what to do.

I just pulled out all of the long pants and long-sleeve shirts, ready for fall. E has also outgrown his previous size, so it's very convenient that I only have to switch his stuff out once this month! Now I just have to keep my fingers crossed that he will stay in this size all winter, so I don't have to find cold-weather gear in the next size up. (Side note: I went to an awesome children's sale on Saturday and found several great bargains, including a snowsuit. Normally I would buy an extra size up, but I couldn't pass up the deal...so, little dude, please don't have a massive growth spurt until AFTER the snow is done falling, whenever that may be!)

Video from Today

Today, I awoke full of energy, which for me, a non-morning-person, is very rare. I got up, got some things ready for Elijah's breakfast, and then got him up when he awoke. Did the whole routine, and had some fun play time.

The energy has continued throughout the day, for the most part. You wouldn't know it by looking at my home, but I've been able to get a lot of things done today. We had another fun time this afternoon, right before his nap time, and I managed to catch our new game on video. When I don't have a video camera in my hand, I get a LOT more laughter out of him...possibly because I can be a bit crazier, move a bit faster, etc.

I also love hearing him say "Mama." I'm sure there will be a day when I'll hear "mommy, mommy, mommy" eight thousand times and be annoyed by it, but for right now, the sound of it makes me deliriously happy!

So, I'm amazed that I was able to shoot, edit and post some video all on the same day! Here it is.

Up, dressed and reading the mail

Our morning was a bit of an adventure...I didn't notice the, um, mess when I got Elijah up this morning. I got the sippy cup and he was drinking milk before I noticed that my arm felt damp. That can only mean one thing. Sure enough, his sheets were a mess, as was I, and for all I knew, every part of his body. I got him in the bath, and went on from there. By breakfast, I was pretty tired! I don't know why he's not sleeping right now; it's nap time, he's in his bed, and still talking to himself and yelling now and then. He looked so sleepy, but this is looking like it might be a one-nap day. Oh, well.

Time for some coffee!

Hi!

Moving things out of reach

Guess who discovered he can pull papers off the fridge? I had to
quickly move everything to higher ground.

In the children's book section:

Cute book with a very eye-catching title!